“My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was sixty.
She’s ninety-seven now,
and we don’t know where the heck she is.”
― Ellen DeGeneres
I’m not just a granny or grandmother or grandma and I sure as hell don’t walk five miles a day! I might sweat and I don’t like to sweat. That’s not the point of this post but I did want to be clear. It turns out that because I crochet doilies and I love doing it, some people actually attribute to me characteristics that are surprising to me. Well, fuck!
“This is a place where grandmothers
hold babies on their laps under the stars
and whisper in their ears that the lights
in the sky are holes in the floor of heaven.”
― Rick Bragg
That’s nice Rick Bragg, but that’s not me. I am a bleeding heart liberal who loves to cuss and loves to crochet doilies. I’m not some sweet little granny sitting around being all lovey dovey with everyone she meets. I’m a grandma who loves fiercely and crochets obsessively and believes deep in her gut if I don’t say “Fuck” at least one time a day I risk dying. If I love you, and most of you I do, I’ll stand with you no matter what–unless spiders are involved. If you keep posting photos of big ugly spiders I’ll unfriend you on Facebook.
“I thought grandmothers had to like you.
It’s a law or something.”
― Mary E. Pearson,
Nope. We do not have to like you. We’ll probably love you, feed you, clothe you and make you a doily or two or a hundred. But. We do NOT have to like you! Having said that, I think my grandchildren are the epitome of what grandchildren should be. That’s because their Momma’s raised their parents to be good parents so the grandchildren are great.
“And I can’t die easy thinking
maybe the menfolks
white or black is making
a spit cup out of you.
Have some sympathy for me.
Put me down easy, Janie,
I’m a cracked plate.”
― Zora Neale Hurston,
Assuming that I’m a sweet, adorable, cuddly grandmother because I crochet incredibly beautiful doilies (that’s really not bragging–IMHO) just pisses me off. So this is me:
- I am a rebel at the core of my being.
- I hate it that we have a card carrying member of the Idioti in the White House.
- I rage against the man who is our current Representative because of his mean and spiteful stances again the people he is supposed to serve.
- I despise hackers! Yeah I know they have shed some light in dark places but they have compromised all of us and our ability to enjoy the open borders that the internet has given us.
- I stand for equality for every single human being on the earth. Your white skin, tiny hands and tinier penis do not impress me.
- I loath spiders and they scare the bejesus out of me so fucking quit posting them on Facebook!
- I love to crochet doilies and lace. It helps keep me centered and keep me out of prison and keep you alive.
- I’m a cracked vessel (and so are we all): that’s how the light gets in and shines out.
“What she showed me was, Yes, I am Grandmother as she is; there is no separation, really, between us. And that, on this planet, Grandmother Earth, there is no higher authority. That our inseparability is why the planet will be steered to safety by Grandmother/Grandmothers or it will not be steered to safety at all.”
― Alice Walker,
Having said all of that, I have doilies to crochet and people to piss off on Facebook and coffee to drink and Morning Joe to watch. I love you all and always will, but if you don’t start playing nice with all of us, that can change.