Back In The Saddle Riding Out Of The Blue

Cohen Just Wants to Lay Down, photo by Glenda Clemens, 2017

“I didn’t want to wake up.
I was having a much better time asleep.
And that’s really sad.
It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
like when you wake up
from a nightmare you’re so relieved.
I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned VizziniIt’s Kind of a Funny Story

Yep. That old blue feeling called depression–a real nightmare. That’s pretty much been my life for the past few months. Poor Cohen. In the photo above he is laying in Marti’s bed. We were hanging out with Marti while her mom and dad went to a party. I’m not sure whether Cohen was anxious, sad or just cold. Regardless when I was putting together the quotes and photos for this post, this photo of Cohen seemed about right. For the past few months I just wanted to lay around and do nothing.

“There are wounds that never
show on the body
that are deeper and
more hurtful than
anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. HamiltonMistral’s Kiss

It wasn’t just one thing that had me down, feeling blue. It was, as depressive episodes go, a confluence of things. First Mollie, my dear little dog, died. Then my dear friend Doris died. Then my brother-in-law became very ill. Then we elected a pig for president (with apologies to the pigs of the world). Then my brother-in-law died. And then—nothing in particular but I was just too overloaded with grief and dismay and had to hide for a bit. That’s how depression works. Hiding is the only real option that works for those of us that live through it.

“I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.
I’m not doing well
in terms of being a functional human,
you know?”
― Ned VizziniIt’s Kind of a Funny Story

Well, except I’m a woman of substance and so I could eat. I can always eat, even when I’m really blue. But in the middle of depression I don’t enjoy it much at all which takes away the pleasure of eating. I didn’t sleep well and certainly wasn’t a functional human being. In fact, I tried to joke, I was not doing well enough to be safe for human consumption. A few friends can attest that this was true and to them I apologize and give thanks that they still are friends.

“I believe that words are strong,
that they can overwhelm
what we fear when
fear seems more awful
than life is good.”
― Andrew Solomon,
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Then today, a miracle happened. Some dear person posted on a Facebook post of mine, “Keep Writing, Mighty Pen!” Wow. Amazing. I had simply copied and pasted something that someone else had written, yet this person saw something in that post that touched her in a way to write those words “Keep Writing, Mighty Pen!” And so today after so many long weeks I am writing again.

Always believe
Your words have power.
Always believe
Your words can be a sword
Or
Your words can be a balm.
There is power
In your words.
Wield your power
With love and kindness.

–Glenda Clemens

I’m not always very good at being kind with my words. However, after the kindness shown by the person who urged me to write on with my mighty pen (I use a keyboard) I feel a renewed sense of the need to write and use my words BUT to use them with care, with love and with kindness. I’m not fully over my blue state of being but I’m better and I’m back.

One thought on “Back In The Saddle Riding Out Of The Blue

  1. These past few months have been very depressing to me as well. However, when you add the loss of loved ones to the political tragedy, it makes an already difficult situation even worse. Give yourself room to grieve but also allow those little beams of light in. As Leonard Cohen said: There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in, that’s how the light gets in.” Blessings, love, and (self)compassion….